The Voice Of Leeward Oahu

 

Retired Husbands

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Posted November 22, 2012 by The Leeward Reporter in Feature

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,’Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-away.

August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area..

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it asa mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’

One of the clerks passed out.


About the Author

The Leeward Reporter

The Leeward Reporter is a source of news relating to the West coast, or the leeward coast, of Oahu which is the main island of the Hawaiian Island chain. The leeward coast of Oahu is comprised of these main towns: Ewa Beach, Kapolei, Nanakuli, Maili, Waianae, and Makaha. Even the resort area of Ko`Olina, which includes Disney’s Aulani Hotel, is found here. We intend to share information about the interests of the area which are important to its multi-ethnic residents. Because this coastline was used primarily for sugar plantations and for agriculture, the cultural roots of the communities are formed from a mix of laborers who were imported to work here – the Filipinos, Japanese, and Chinese. From a sugar plantation Kapolei town has sprung up as the “second city” on Oahu, second to Honolulu, and serves as the seat of government services and as an urban center to the leeward communities. Not to be forgotten, our Hawaiian people make up a large segment of the community with the inclusion of various Hawaiian homesteads. Because of these contrasting lifestyles, we hope to reflect the different ideas and beliefs which make up our Hawaiian culture.


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